Well Well Well

Dear gods. I’m bad at keeping most schedules, unless it’s a mundane work schedule. I’m back to working on things again.

Though, at the same time, I’m also having problems. I can pretty much confirm that I’m in a significant downswing on my standard mood block. A lot of mental illness runs in my family, and I’m not immune to the various illnesses. I’ve got varying degrees of several, and while with some significant work from my spirit, I can usually hold my shit together. Thanks to stress right now, I don’t have it together.

I know that.

This is not my normal kind of post, just so you know.

I’m struggling on Camp NaNo this month. I’m struggling on getting any words down at all again. I’m also struggling on getting out of bed each day. I’m down to eating maybe one real meal every two or three days. I’m making it to the mundane job only because I know if I don’t it would be nearly impossible for me to survive without that influx of cash.

I cried on my way home from work this morning. I was just so frustrated with circumstances and people that I was crying in the car driving on the interstate on my way home.

I’m back to feeling like I’m not worth anything anymore. It’s taking a great deal of work to even hold myself together as I type this up in my usual cafe. (Which, while I have internet at the house, I do not currently have A/C – and it’s just too damned hot right now to function. It’s 92 degrees but it feels like 103. Yeah. No.)

I’m also currently dealing with some shit from family too, and honestly, I’m over it. I’m over all of it.

I’d like to just pack my shit up and vanish, but I don’t have a support structure in place that would even begin to let me. Not to mention, I have a small car. If I had a larger vehicle, I might be able to manage something like that, but as it stands, right now, it’s not going to happen.

I have the next two nights off, but I’ve got so much to take care of during daylight hours that it’s looking like I’m going to be up until about 1am, and then I’m going to go home, open the windows in two areas, do some cleaning, and hopefully end up in bed around 3.

If I’m lucky and can follow this plan, I’ll get up around 9:30/10, head to the bank to get a thing I need to be able to call the A/C guys, and get the A/C fixed in the next 72 hours. Maybe? Hopefully I don’t crash as soon as I get home. There is a pretty good chance that I might though, which sucks, but it entirely depends on how much I’ve exhausted my skill set to stay a functioning human already.

Depression sucks. I actually want to be productive, and I actually want to adult properly, but the depression is leaching everything away.

…. Holy shit. I actually wrote it down. Not all of it, but most of it. This is actually a big deal. And if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. I think. I can’t be sure. Then again, You actually stuck with it to the end, so apparently so.